One day in Pattaya

Today I happened to catch the local Pattaya news in English. It's very different to the local news back home. Here's a quick summary to give you an idea. I didn't make any of this up.

In the headline story; a bullet fell from the sky, smashed through the roof a young girl’s bedroom and hit her in the leg. From the tone of the report the family of the girl were having a hard time convincing the police they should do anything about it. As if a rain of bullets is a regular nuisance in this part of the world.

Someone nearby must have been shooting a gun in the air was the casual comment attributed to the local police. Well, yes, probably someone who really struggled in physics class in school. Perhaps they thought the bullets just float off into space? Nothing to to worry about, the police have more important matters to attend to. 

That was perhaps the craziest story of the day but this being Pattaya it had competition for the title.

On the same bulletin:

A notorious drug dealer was arrested but not until after he managed to grab the under-cover policeman who was following him, probably disguised in a mac, large glasses and false moustache, and hold him hostage. He then proceeded to dispose of the majority of his stash, presumably by flushing it down the toilet. Eventually he handed himself in without a struggle.  They have him for a few pills in his car. Oh, and for kidnapping.

A South African man shot himself in the head at the local firing range. Apparently the instructor handed him the loaded gun and he just put it to his head and pulled the trigger. That’s the story the gun club are telling anyway, it’s yet to be investigated.

Two young boys were shot, but not killed, in gang related violence.

A man was stabbed outside a restaurant after drunkenly hitting on a woman who was having dinner with her, evidently knife wielding, male friends. Seven of them grabbed him, took him outside, gave him a severe beating and stabbed him. He’s in hospital but looks likely to survive.  He’s probably trying out his lines on the nurses.

A drunk driver crashed her car and proceeded to resist all attempts to help her, verbally abusing anyone who tried.

Watching the local news here makes me think I’m wandering through life oblivious to all around me. I did meet a man in a pub with a manic look in his eye that, within the space of one game of pool, described in detail the three times he’d been stabbed and pulled up his shirt to proudly display the evidence. Needless to say I paid my tab and left. Not my kind of drinking partner.

I don’t believe in jinxes, or cursing myself, so I’m not afraid to say that I've lived here for five months without witnessing a single incident of violent or dangerously insane behaviour; except on the roads that is. I have always felt safe and unconcerned even late at night. Maybe my peripheral vision’s just really bad?  

To my friends who may be reading this. Don’t let this put you of visiting. It’s really not all that bad.

Why it's better to have some crime in your country

Three innocent Korean tourists were conned today in Pattaya by a magician allegedly from Dubai.

He approached the three handsome, fashionably dressed, young gentlemen in the street and invited them to participate in one of his magic tricks.

The wily con artist asked them to hand over their Ipad, some cash and other stuff claiming he would make it disappear.

Hands up who knows what's coming?

He waved his hands a couple of times, made the cash and Ipad disappear and while the impressed young men were still clapping, legged it down the street and disappeared himself.

I can just imagine them standing there, looking confused, for several minutes waiting for him to reappear!

They were featured on the Thai news explaining this in the police station to three police officers who were chuckling and nudging each other like schoolboys.

"So tell us again what happened? And you just handed him all your stuff? How much cash? Oh yes! We'll catch him, don't you worry son. Now about that description. Are you sure he wasn't wearing a top hat and cape?"

I can't speak Thai and I'm sure neither can those unfortunate Korean lads but we all know that's what those cops were saying.

And that's why, if you live somewhere like Seoul or Tokyo, with almost no street crime at all, you should probably take some sort of awareness lessons before you attempt any adventure abroad.

In case anyone is interested the perpetrator got away with about £1000 worth of cash and expensive toys.

You smell like fish

Lin: I'm going for a shower
Me: Yeah, you smell like fish.
Lin: How long ago fish die?
Me: About a week ago!
Lin: Well that's not so bad then.

Lin 1 : Me 0

What the Thai motorcycle test should consist of

As I mentioned in my previous post the Thai practical motorcycle test consists of driving around a short course with a slalom, a few corners and two stop signs. This does not, in any way, test your ability to survive on Thailand's roads!

This blog will prepare you much better; or put you off entirely which is probably the safest option anyway.

The test I would make prospective drivers take is as follows:

Practical Test 1 - Driving down the wrong side of the road. Simply drive a little bit slower than normal and keep to the far side of the wrong side, if you know what I mean. Beware of other people coming towards you at night time on your side of the road with no lights on. Stealth mode as it's known in Thailand is perfectly acceptable if you are too poor or lazy to get your lights fixed.

Practical Test 2 - Motorway driving

This test will involve the examiner riding on the back of your bike while you weave in and out between cement trucks, lorries and other traffic without slowing down. You will be required to drive in the left hand lane to demonstrate your ability to avoid the cars and other bikes pulling out of side streets without looking and veering wildly across several lanes. Or sometimes pulling out in front of fast moving traffic and driving really slowly.

You will be required to demonstrate your ability not to swear and make rude hand gestures at the people who cut you off or nearly run you off the road. Keep a calm head at all times as road rage attacks are common here and have been known to result in shootings and stabbings.


Written Test - Sample questions from the section on signalling. Three questions to answer.

1 - The car in front of you is signalling left and slowing down. Do they intend to
a) Turn left.
b) Continue driving slowly and signalling left indefinitely
c) Pull out back into traffic and speed up
d) I don't know


2 - The car in front is driving in two lanes and signalling right. Do they intend to
a) Move into the right hand lane
b) Move into the left hand lane
c) Continue driving in two lanes indefinitely
d) I don't know


3 - The car in front has their hazard lights on but are still driving in the middle of three lanes. Are they
a) Experiencing a mechanical fault and signalling their intention to pull over and stop.
b) Carrying a heavy load and mistakenly think having their hazard lights on is the right thing to do
c) Drunk and have hit the hazard light button while hunting for their lighter
d) I don't know

The correct answer to all three questions is I don't know. Never ever trust signals in Thailand. People here think they're just pretty flashing lights used for decoration.

I'd also introduce a psychological, Catch 22 style test. You will have to prove you are sane before you are allowed to drive on Thailand's roads. The catch is that by wanting to drive here you are automatically pronounced insane and therefore unfit to drive. Everyone goes back to riding bicycles and we all get fitter, and die from heat exposure/skin cancer instead of high speed impact. Shut up about the economy, bicycles save the planet man.

How to get your Thai motorcycle licence in Pattaya

Finally, after three days of messing about, I got my Thai motorcycle licence. It was a close run thing. I failed the written test the first time. Didn't help that the same question came up five times and I got it wrong four times. I started to doubt myself after seeing it four times and changed my answer.  Luckily, this being Thailand, the girl let me try again and I passed. Did you know it’s legal to drive a tank used for warfare (their terminology) on Thai roads but not a vehicle without a windscreen? Neither did I.

So here's your step by faltering step guide. 

Step one is to get a medical cert from a clinic to prove you are healthy enough to cope with the extreme stress of driving on Thai roads. This is given on payment of approximately 100Baht without any sort of medical checks at all.

Step two is to go to immigration in Jomtien Soi 5 with two photos, your tenancy agreement and two copies of your passport. They’re quite quick and efficient, to be fair to them, but if you don’t go early enough in the day you have to come back the next day to collect the paperwork; which is, of course, what I had to do.

Step three: Drive for several miles out of town to the driver and vehicle registration office, near the regent's school on 36, without yet having a legal licence. Make sure you get there before 9 am as if you arrive later you’ll be told to come back the next day. And yes, that’s what I had to do. 

There’s an eye test and more forms to fill out. They’ll help you but in a much more surly and world weary way than the immigration people. It is a very busy office and I can understand that us non Thai speakers are an extra irritation in an already hectic working day. Don’t worry about the eye test, the Thai man in front of me was blatantly colour blind and was just guessing when it came to green/red. In fact he just said red for both until the expression of the official warned him and he went for green a couple of times after that. I knew the word for red had forgotten the word for green. Luckily they let foreigners do it in English. I could probably have said bread, fellow and spleen and would still have got the nod.

Be prepared to be there until around two O’clock. Why? Because you have to watch some vaguely driving related soap operas in a little room packed with other foreigners, most of whom are asleep. I had a little nap myself. I never did find out if the boy injured in the accident recovered or not.

After the videos there’s a short break for lunch before taking the practical test. This involves driving around a very short course. It starts with a slalom followed by driving along a raised ramp about a foot wide, not sure why, but I nearly fell off. You have to stop a couple of times; only putting one foot down and then you're done. Next its into the office for the aforementioned computer based, multiple choice, written text. 

There’s not much advice I can give you about the test except that common sense won’t really help you. When the question asks you which picture illustrates correct parking don’t be fooled by the cars parked neatly in car-park parking spaces. It’s some sort of trick. This question came up three times and I got it wrong three times.

It’s different if you already have a motorcycle licence from the EU or the USA. You’ll only have to do the eye test and they’ll give you the Thai licence. Just fill out the forms. There might be some other countries that are OK too. Australia and NZ probably but you can do your own research my fine antipodean friends. Anyone know why antipodean gets a red line on Word’s spell checker? Me neither.

The day after receiving my new licence I pulled out of Central Festival shopping centre straight into the sweaty arms of a lurking gang of police officers. I flashed my shiny new licence and they told me to be on my way. I have to say, that felt pretty good. I drove straight to the nearest bar spent the 400Baht it had saved me on a few celebratory drinks before driving home. Only kidding, but it felt good. I drove along beach road in the late evening sunshine with a happy smile of victory on my face and all the hassle of getting the licence was worth it.

Christianity: Essentially a cult based around human sacrifice?

Jesus died for our sins. He was beaten, ridiculed, tortured, stabbed and left to die nailed to a couple of planks of wood in the blazing sun of a middle eastern desert. All for us.

Thanks Jesus.

It was really pretty typical of the primitive cultures of the time. The Mayans were sacrificing people to their gods, the primitive Celts loved a bit of human sacrifice, or so we're led to believe. The Romans sacrificed anything and everything to their Pantheon of gods.

The only real difference is that the bible claims that Jesus was god. And also a man.

Let's think about this for a minute. Jesus is the son of God but he also is God.

God is all powerful, all knowing and all seeing. He has a plan for us all and yet still allows us free will, that's how great he is. He can do two completely opposite things at the same time. Wow.

Jesus is a man who feels pain, love, betrayal, abandonment, loneliness and probably a welter of conflicting and changing emotions. Like all of us, except Chuck Norris, who just feels well prepared, all the time. But, and here's the problem, he's also God and therefore feels no fear, pain, despair, lust, and presumably doesn't get that annoying itch from healing sunburn. A paradox? Not for God!

Think about him up on that cross, supposedly suffering. He's not really, is he? He's God; he knows he isn't going to die. He knows he can't go to hell or oblivion. He has planned this all along. He's going to come back to life in a couple of days time, put in a couple of guest star appearances and then bugger off back to his opulent retirement in heaven. Which, by definition, is the best place you can be. He not suffering he's laughing. Like the guy on the cross next to Brian in the famous Monty Python film, he was probably laughing and singing. 

As far as I can see (assuming that it's not all just bullshit of course) the whole thing with the cross, the crown of thorns, the spear and the sun burn was nothing more than cheap theatricality designed to impress the primitive, unwashed, uneducated peasantry of the time.

Suffer? He's God, he can't suffer.

Last Will and Testament

As some of you may know I'm off to Spain tomorrow to partake in the mildly dangerous, and Aussie backpacker infested, San Fermin Bull Run. Just in case I should be too slow, stupid, reckless or unlucky to survive, I have prepared this, probably not legally binding, document:

Dear friends and relatives. Thank you for taking the time to read this, my last will and testament. I don’t know if I’ve been gored or trampled to death, or maybe a bit of both, but hopefully it wasn’t too horrific for my Mum. I know she will be upset anyway but it’ll be probably be slightly worse if I’ve been maimed in some hideous way or lingered, suffering for several hours before my eventual demise. I think my Dad will be OK, he’s always been a rock when the really big disasters have struck over the years. I know they will be thinking I was extremely stupid and irresponsible for taking part in such a dangerous event in the first place. It is essentially a relic of medieval times. Back in those days a couple of people dying a messy, violent death was a pretty regular occurrence. It was probably just a bit of laugh. I’m not laughing now!

I don’t have much stuff to leave, certainly nothing that anyone will want. I don’t really have anything worth any money and haven’t been a big collector of antiques or anything. My flatmate Anna-Marie, who’s just said she’ll be ‘so disappointed to see me back’ can still have my laptop, despite that comment which was hopefully a joke. Any money I have can go towards the transport of my remains back to the UK. I doubt my travel insurance covers me for recklessly endangering myself. Hopefully they can just cremate me on the spot and stick my ashes in a flask or something. Then they can just post them back or Trev can carry them. Unless of course he is killed in a valiant attempt to throw himself between me and the raging bulls. This is the practical option because I don’t think EU regulations would allow my first choice of funeral. To be put on a Viking longboat style craft with a load of wood and maybe a few fireworks, being sailed out to sea and set alight. It certainly makes more sense than transporting ten stone or so of rotting meat half way across Europe. When the ashes get back to Larne I want them scattered on the Antrim plateau. Make sure you check the wind direction; you probably don’t want any Big Lebowski type accidents.

If anyone feels compelled to have some sort of memorial service only genuine friends and family are allowed to attend. If you don’t give a shit that I’m dead please don’t come out of obligation or to represent your family. If you are just coming for the free booze and a bit of a party, that’s fine. If there must be speeches then they have to be either funny, short or heart breakingly eloquent. I’d prefer honesty but amusing lies would be acceptable. If you plan to make a reference to any sort of afterlife, you’d better be willing to present some very convincing experimental evidence to back up what you’re saying. I’m probably not looking down, or up at you, like some invisible peeping tom, analysing and, usually, if you believe the speeches, approving of your actions. What’s left of me is hopefully, if my previous instructions have been followed, drifting gently on the breeze or being digested by some unfortunate sheep. Ministers are not welcome unless they’re relatives. I don’t care what songs you play because I can’t hear them. However as it’s my memorial I’d like to think you’d play stuff I that I liked. If anyone wants to drink Jager bombs and dance to The Jackson Five, I’d really appreciate that. I mean I appreciate it in advance now as, of course, when I’m dead I won’t know anything about it. Please don’t wear suits, I never liked wearing a suit and always thought at work it was sexual discrimination. I mean, women can get away with wearing any old crap but I have to wear a shirt and sometimes even a tie. Gentlemen, loud colourful shirts please and don’t be embarrassed to wear pink. The ladies can, of course, wear whatever they want because who’d going to tell them they can’t?

I think that’s about it. Sorry again for being dumb enough to get myself killed. If I’ve made any plans with anyone, I’m going to have to cancel. I’ve sort if rushed this a bit as I only thought if it a couple of days ago and I always was a terrible procrastinator. It’s a pity I didn’t put off my trip to Spain for a couple of more years though. If you are looking for anyone to blame then have a go at Trevor Whittaker. It was all his idea. No point in blaming the poor bull, he’s burgers.

If it so happens that I make it back alive, and I hope that I do, then this still stands until I write something to replace it.